I feel so devastated today

I’ve never really been what you would call a sharer. What I mean by that is, I’m not really good at sharing my fears, emotions or feelings of joy. I don’t want to be a burden.

Why am I like that? I’ve been hurt and my trust has been betrayed so many times that I can’t put it out there anymore.

When I was 14 my dad left me and I had to grow up overnight. I missed out on so many of the childhood experiences that should have been mine for the taking. I was a daddy’s girl through and through and I was devastated by his death. From then on my role has been care taker and peace keeper and now, I am exhausted.

I was so emotionally stunted that I got married at 19 thinking that idiot would change everything, when really all he did was make it worse. At first it wasn’t so bad to be emotionally abused. I finally got divorced from that idiot, it was the hardest thing to do. I had to pull myself up with Amsyar and Almirah and really see what was going on and it took a while but I finally got out.

With no self confidence or self worth to speak of I threw myself into my work and quickly became the best that I could be, because maybe I could get some sort of validation from a job. Someone would see me and think that I was worth something.

My life now is full of demands on my time, from work to my fiance, and most of all my kids. I don’t have time for myself, ever.

I deserve a short getaway, because I really need one. I need to have some time, some where that I can completely decompress. If I don’t “win” I’m sure I will be fine, however I would love the chance to just, be.

Just be, without any demands on my time but my own. I’m not really sure what that is like, but I’m sure I’d love it.

What's wrong with me????

I went back to the doctor again today because I was having a variety of symptoms. I was having dizzy spells, headaches, trouble concentrating, fatigue, feelings of being out of breath, waking up short of breath and perhaps a few more that I forgot. I had been experiencing these symptoms for a little while.

As usual,he then preceeded to tell me that I was "depressed" and sent me for another blood test for hepatitis screening now and put me on another set of iron pills.

My problem is...damn, are they ever going to conclusively decide what my problem(s) is? It just seems like they keep doing test after test. Some seem random and some seem like just repeats. What really upsets me is how they keep saying I may have a "touch of" or "minor" or "maybe a little" of something. I felt damn horrible today.

Murni signing off feeling so confused...

On MC for 2 days

I have just been so tired and i just can't fall asleep. I try to force myself to do all the things I normally do, but to no avail. I had blood test done yesterday and all the results were as they always are: my blood pressure is high, etc, etc. I had low iron, but I always have low iron and was told to eat more leafy greens and red meat. which i do eat.This time my low iron had depleted even more and was officially anemic. I was prescribed iron and B-12 and sent on my way.

I'm home now. Now I have a lab slip that says that it wasn't avoidance, it was anemia. Now I can cut myself some slack, take the iron and the B-12 and take a long nap for 2 days of mc until I feel like myself again.

Too much pressure

Since what happen to me recently, I have found making new friends has been very difficult, and I don't feel as though I am appreciated for my skills. In fact, I feel undermined and ignored. I dread going to work, and spend my day "clock-watching" and feeling like a fish out of water. I am finding it hard to make friends, even though I'm often approached by people for a chat. I should not feel this isolated! I feel as though I have lost my confidence completely, whereas before I was a very assured and confident person. On top of this, my relationship with my fiance has become strained since we started to have problems with his younger brother.

All this started before our engagementand it was like a year ago or more. I feel so pressured that I'm starting to lose control of my emotions. Am I cut out to make changes like this in the state I'm in? I am frightened because I have been planning and wanting to be exactly where I am at this moment in my life for years, and now I find that I can't cope with it all. If I were to leave my job, I would need to give a months notice, which means I can't get out of there that quickly. What is wrong with me, and why am I so unhappy? Why has my life gone so wrong?